Saturday 5 November 2011

Loving, Losing, Coping, Moving On and Still Loving x

On the 5th November 2002 I lost one of the most important people in my life, my dad. If you've read my blog for sometime you'll know that I sometimes mention him on his birthday or the anniversary of his death but I've never really gone into any depth before. I don't think I'm really doing that here but who knows where this is leading. Writing this is the 4th November turns into the 5th I really miss him - losing my dad seemed to be the trigger for my life turning upside down, first there was the sadness and the inability to cope, and then there was the start of the illness nightmare, I was never going to win any awards for the healthiest person in the world but I was OK, just living a normal life and getting by, now well I'm surviving! I'm not going to lie I'm in a much better place than I was 9 years ago but those 9 years have been a steep learning curve, it's almost as if my life was placed in a huge blender, spun around and then spat it with some of the pieces missing, a very big piece as it happens.

My dad at my first graduation ceremony - he missed the second one by just 4 weeks something that saddens me to this day :( - he always preferred to be on the other side of the lens with his posh camera beside him so I don't have that many photographs of him - but I like this one despite the fact that he was in a suit and out of his comfort zone, and I'm digging the paisley tie despite the fact this was in 1999 :)

What can I say about him to someone who will never meet him, well he was commonly known as Big Les, he was well over 6ft tall, but don't let that fool you he was as good hearted and gentle as anyone could be, I guess one of his biggest faults was an inability to say no, if someone needed some new flooring put down, or a cabinet making he was there like a shot. Don't get me wrong when he did get angry you didn't want to be around him, that was rare though like I used to he bottled things up, he was a bit of a stress head if I'm being honest, everything worried him, even things he couldn't control, that's something I've inherited I guess. I've also inherited his enthusiasm be it for new jeans, new shoes, or even technology, he loved his hi-fi gear, his CK jeans, his Rockport Boots (before they became chavvy :) and his music. My mum doesn't get excited about things the way my dad did and I miss that. I know he was proud of me especially when I got my degrees, I just hope he's still proud of me, my life my not have gone the way any of us planned but I'm still trying to be best person that I can.

Like most people who have lost someone I often wonder what I would say to him now, at times over the years the words would have been angry, you were only 58 why did you leave me??? was a favourite but I guess it would be something I say in my head to him all the time I Love You And I Always Will x
Maybe that sums this post up really I'm sorry it's been a bit of a ramble but I guess what I really want to say is that time isn't really healer, all it does is teach you how to cope with you loss, and after 9 years I really hope I''m getting there - I found this poem on a blog a while ago - I'm sorry I can't remember whose it was and it just says what I'm trying to I guess - I've taken the text from here x

He Is Gone

You can shed tears that he is gone
Or you can smile because he has lived
You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back
Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left
Your heart can be empty because you can't see him
Or you can be full of the love that you shared
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday
You can remember him and only that he is gone
Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
Or you can do what he would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

David Harkins 1981
Silloth, Cumbria, UK

If you've stayed with this post until the end thank you so much for reading, and normal posting will resume soon - RIP Dad xxx


  1. I have tears in my eyes reading your post. I lost my mother when I was 11. She was 41. So I know the emptyness you are feeling.
    There is not a day goes by, when I dont think of her, miss her, or what advice she would give me. Losing a parent is hard,for anyone. But it effects you more the younger you are. You realise what you are missing out on, when you see your friends with theirs. Its an empty hole, nothing or no one can fix.
    Your Dad will be proud of you, dont forget that

  2. Big hug for you Lou!
    I know exactly how you feel...But he's up there proud of you now :)

  3. My dad is a lot like your dad, he is enthusiastic about everything and refuses to say no. I've came close to losing him twice; once from a motorbike accident when I was 6 and another earlier this year where he had pneumonia in his left lung and if he had waited a day longer to go to the hospital he probably wouldn't have survived so I can relate to you. It's not the same as losing a parent but after his motorbike accident my dad was in hospital for a year and was in a coma for about 6 months so I can imagine how hard it is for you. I'm glad to know you're doing a lot better now, I know no one can replace your dad but the memories you have of and with him will always remain and he's always going to be proud of you <3

  4. How could I read and not comment? I'm sorry for your loss. It's clear how much your Dad meant to you and all I can say is that I'm so sure your Dad would be proud of you regardless of where your life has headed... you come across as a genuinely lovely person and that's what's important. Much love x

  5. I understand how you feel, in august it was the first anniersary of my auntie who passed away. She was like a mum to me, and a grandmother and a best friend. She died of a heart attack. And it still doesnt feel like she is gone. Im sure your father is looking over you now and is very proud of you, Hope you feel better hun xx

  6. Such a sad post but one i'm sure most of us can relate to. I'm sure your dad is very proud of you. X

  7. Hiya Louise

    This is so sad and I feel so sorry for your loss. Your dad obviously meant the world to you and I am sending you big hugs.

    Also thank you so much for your comments on my blog. I hate it when people tell others what they should and should not eat.
    Thankyou for your kinds words.

    Take care

  8. I nearly cried reading that, I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my nan a couple of years ago, and I still find it hard without her here. She was the only person who was ever really there for me.

    You seem like such a lovely person and I'm sure your dad is very proud of you. Stay strong <3

  9. Massive hugs Lou. I feel for you, so much. I cannot imagine how losing a parent must feel. xxx

  10. Just read this, what a lovely tribute to your dad. We never know why people leave us at the time we do. It hurts always, but the pain does dull a little over time. Memories are what we have, and sharing them helps our loved one live on. Big hugs xxx

  11. Just wanted to send my love and say what a lovely post this is as a tribute to your Dad. Hugs xx

  12. A really beautiful post Lou. I had an odd night on Sunday night when grief for my dad completely took over, first time in months it's overwhelmed me like that. I just missed him so desperately. And yet, even while I was crying so hard, I was glad, because I knew I hadn't stopped missing him, and that I never will.

    I think your dad would be so proud of you Lou, of your resilience, your courage, your kindheartedness, so much more. Take care my lovely x

  13. Having recently experienced the loss of two grandparents over a very short space of time I can relate to how difficult it must be for you. I can't imagine how much harder it must be being your dad.
    Hugs xx

  14. Hi, it's coming up to a year since I lost my dad too(13/11) so reading this post was really poignant. I remember finding that poem a few months ago, it's lovely.
    Sometimes I don't even know how I've gotten this far without him, but I have. We all have the strength to get through things like this, even though it doesn't feel like it. I think you get through because of the person you've lost. It's hard to explain.
    All we can do I know they are proud of us. Another thing is, they didn't want to leave us either.


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