70 Years Of Hurt Gone In An Instant, And A Lifetime Of Memories Brought To The Surface

      

Picture Courtesy Of Newcastle United 

It's safe to say that if you're of the black and white persuasion, the last 48 hours have been pretty crazy. Although I don't post about football anywhere near as much as I did in the early days of this blog, my love for Newcastle United has never really waned. I was initially going to post this as a tweet or a thread but it soon became apparent that there were too many words and feels for short form media.

On Sunday night, Newcastle United broke their 70 year domestic trophy drought, when they beat Liverpool 2-1 to win the Carabao EFL Cup. Like so many of my fellow fans I watched the majority of the game on tv through my hands, unlike my mam whose faith never waivered, I wasn't confident in the slightest and even when Big Dan Burn headed us in front I still didn't dare to dream, when Isak scored a second finally there was hope but then came VAR and the Liverpool goal, and goodness knows how many minutes of added time which was almost torturous, I was really starting to think that it's the hope that kills you, but we held on and when the final whistle blew I'll admit that like so many other fan that I cried, tears of joy, relief, and to be honest what could have been.

I know what some of you are thinking, it's just a game it's not that deep but for so many Newcastle fans or anyone that truly supports a football club it really is. Eddie Howe mentioned his late mum in his press conference, Alan Shearer talked about his late dad in a podcast and I've seen so many tweets and posts about people talking about family members that never got to experience what we have over the last few days.

Growing up where I did you supported Newcastle or Sunderland, whilst my dad had memories of watching games at both clubs, by the time I came along you had to choose, and my dad went with the boys in black and white, and my fate was sealed. Being a girl in the 80's first real football memory was Italia 90, I vaguely remember the penalty misses and Gazza's tears, even if I didn't quite understand what was going on - 2 years later though everything changed, and that was thanks to Kevin Keegan.

I remember the hope and the excitement when the hero returned, he miraculously kept us up that season, and the 92/93 season was when my obsession really started, I listened to games avidly on the radio, and watched them on tv when I could, and the season culminated in promotion to the Premier League, and a 7-1 home win against Leicester City. Me and some of my friends attended the promotion parade, which ended in the pouring rain outside Newcastle Civic Centre, there were people climbing trees, and up lamp posts to see the players and KK himself on the balcony, and the bus ride home was a cacophony of noise including 'if you're proud to be a Geordie be a tree.'

God This Photo Is Old Little Louise In Her Umbro Blue Star Top And Check Out The Black And White Scrunchies! 

Then like now tickets were hard to come by, the ground looked nothing like it does now, so I didn't actually attend my first proper Premier League game until the 3rd May 1995 when I was lucky enough to witness a 3-3 draw against Spurs, which included a goal by the legendary Jurgen Klinsmann. I attended the odd game here and there, and experienced everything from Keegan leaving, to the Andy Cole signing and then leaving and then the arrival of Alan Shearer, can you imagine what twitter would have been like in those days? given some of the meltdowns Newcastle fans have seen lately it doesn't bare thinking about.

We went through a few more managers and a couple of more comings and goings and then Sir Bobby returned and that coincided with me meeting a fellow fan, who would become one of my bestest and dearest friends, and I started going to games more regularly especially cup games thanks to her brothers season ticket, and after a long hiatus my dad and even my mam ended up going to a few games, sitting in the Platinum club as was!

'Big Les" AKA My Dad💔

At home me and my dad used to watch football on the television driving my mam mad at time, but the funny thing is we never actually went to a game together but for those of you who aren't aware of my story that should have changed on the 4th November 2002. My friend wasn't well so my dad took her ticket for the Middlesbrough game, but unfortunately he collapsed on the way to the ground, we never made it to the match that night, and my dad never made it home, passing away in the early hours of November 5th in the Freeman Hospital.

I guess things could have gone either way after that night, I could have continued to have been haunted by the memories of that fateful night, and rejected the noise, and the black and white shirts or I could carry on and continue doing something that I know he would love and I that I had grown to love - it comes as no surprise that  I chose the latter - I think it took a month or so before I went back to a game , and I'm not going to lie my stomach was churning, someone in front was wearing my dads aftershave Hugo Boss Dark Blue which I guess could have been a sign and the memories came flooding back soon though I was concentrating on the game, shouting at the referee, and moaning like I know my dad would have done.

Soon after that I got my first season ticket and several more followed it, I went on to witness the end of Sir Bobbys reign, Souness, Bowyer v Dyer, the Intertoto Cup win, a memorable for many reasons away win at West Ham, and of course Shearer breaking Jackie Milburn's record. My mam to her credit really tried to be enthusiastic and she still tries even if I do have to re explain the rules every now and then, and tell her again who Schar is, but I miss sharing things with my dad and doing an after match de brief before and after his Sunday lunch time pub trips.

The fun couldn't last though, Mike Ashley the billionaire that would hopefully take us to the next level arrived, and his arrival seemed to coincide with my own body giving up on me - after several low lows, relegation was the final straw, I was attending less and less games, my health was failing and I couldn't justify keeping my season ticket.

Supporting Newcastle through that was hard, although there were glimpses here and there of what could be, supporting a team that was happy with just existing especially when being so unwell was hard, I'd used football as a crutch at times, not only was it a link to my dad but it was a link to normality, how things used to be and it was fading away, especially when covid came on the scene.

Then like that everything changed again, there was talk of a takeover, I started engaging again with NUFC social media accounts, even arguing with the odd journalist here and there, but then hopes were dashed again but the fanbase mobilised we wanted change, we wanted to believe again, and finally on 7th October 2021 we had new owners and the hope and the pride was back. That was another emotional day I can imagine how excited my dad would have been and how he would have loved all the pub talk about signings and managers, and the whole morals and ethics of been owned by the Saudis and some more southern billionaires, and that was a feeling that was amplified when we qualified for the Champions League in 2023 for the first time in the 20 or so years since my dad had passed - that game was so emotional I went on twitter and whilst it can be a cesspit pretty much most of the time now, some of the comments and messages I got that night after sharing my story really soothed my soul.

So here I am we've won a trophy, and whilst my dad was lucky enough to see us win a couple, it was a experience that we never shared, we were together for 2 FA Cup finals, and we were both stunned as we threw away that 12 point lead, but this time when it mattered, it was just me and my Mam watching through our hands. I'm sure wherever he is though he was raising a glass along with so many other members of the toon army that we've lost along the way, and next time I go to visit his grave I'll tell him again about Bruno's tears, Burn's header, pump it up, Yasir, and Jamie with their winners shirts over their suits, the brilliance of Edward John Frank Howe, and why we as Newcastle fans have so many reasons to be excited for the future.

It's not just a game or a football team it's about the shared memories and experiences that it brings. Our lives change, we lose people, we meet new people, and we may even lose and find ourselves again along the way but if you support a team, that club is one of the few constants that we have and that's why it means to so much to so many, and why its so important that even in this world of billionaires, match day tourists, PSR, media rights, and You Tubers, that the true fans aren't left behind x 

A Reflective Foodie Friday On A Sunday - Cinder Toffee

Looking back over the years I don't tend to post on November 5th that often, normally when I do it's a tribute to my dad or more personal posts about grief and loss, but this year I decided to do something a little bit different.

Losing someone you love is hard but when it's on a day that people celebrate or that means something to everyone, then it's even harder. On November 5th 2002, I lost my dad very suddenly, and ever since then I've hated Bonfire Night was a passion, every single bang and sparkle of light, brings back memories that quite frankly I don't want to remember.

Life doesn't change for other people though , so I guess you just need to get on with it, and try and embrace it with the best of them. So I'm writing this post, attempting to calm down some very scared kitty cats, looking at the pretty lights outside of the window and trying to remember the happy times.

So many of my good memories of my dad, my grans, and my childhood concern food, and the 5th November is no different, from baked potatoes and beans, to parkin,  and to treacle toffee and cinder toffee, food like fragrance, is intrinsically linked to our feelings and memories.

My mam used to be a big sweet maker, every year she'd make trays of peppermint creams, fudge, coconut ice, rum truffles and cinder toffee for us to eat in the run up to, and at Christmas. When you look at recipes associated with Guy Fawkes night, Cinder Toffee is always somewhere on the list. Cinder Toffee is one of the most names associated with it, at least up north, but you might know it as Hokey Pokey, Puff Candy, or Sponge Candy, or as Honeycomb. Yes it's that brittle, yet chewy toffee, that's full of air bubble, that you'll find in your Crunchie bar.

It's easy enough to buy it on it's own or covered with chocolate but like so many things it's often hard to beat something that's homemade. It isn't the hardest thing to make but you do need to be a bit careful in more ways than one. There are a few different recipes out there but this is our go to.

Cinder Toffee

3 Heaped Tablespoons Of Golden Syrup Or Treacle 

7oz (200g) Caster Sugar

1 1/2oz (40g) Butter

2 Tablespoons Cold Water

1/2 Teaspoon Vinegar

1 Heaped Teaspoon Of Bicarbonate Of Soda

1. Well grease a loaf tin or line with non stick parchment paper  - Okay as you can see this isn't a loaf tin it's a small roasting tin, which on reflection wasn't the best tin to make this in as it ended up a bit thinner then it should have done. You needn't be too precise with size but it's better to make it in a smaller and deeper tin, than a larger shallower one like this one.

2. To make this recipe you really need a good quality heavy bottomed pan, the pan is going to get hot so you want something that's pretty substantial. I'm using a pressure cooker pan here.

Add your sugar, syrup, butter and cold water and heat gently until the sugar is melted, stirring all the time

3. When your sugar has melted, turn up the heat until it reaches a continuous rolling boil. If you have a sugar thermometer your mixture needs to reach 290˚ F or 143˚ C. If you don't have one though don't worry, get yourself a cup of cold water and keep testing the mixture by dripping blobs into the water. The mixture will go through several stages but eventually the mixture will become hard and brittle and snap when you drop it into the water.

4. Once it's reached that stage take the pan off the heat, and add the vinegar and the vinegar and the bicarb, and give it a good stir. It will expand slightly at this stage, and foam and change colour slightly. (Make sure that your bicarbonate of soda isn't too near the expiry date - the longer you have it the more it loses it potency - a new tub will give the best results)

5. Then pour it CAREFULLY in to your tin - Don't be tempted to touch the mix with your hands or taste it - it will be stupidly hot.

6. Then leave your tray in a cool dry place for a few hours until it's set solid. No matter how well you've greased your tin it will still be nigh on impossible to get it out of the tin. I suggest either hitting your cinder toffee with a hammer or careful drop the tray onto the floor to break up your toffee. You won''t get any neat squares with this rough shards are what you should be aiming for.

You can either eat it straight away or you can store it for a few days in a cool, dry airtight tin. It should be the perfect combo of brittle and chewy. You can either eat as is, or you can cover it chocolate, use it with a chocolate fondue, or you can crush it up and use for an ice cream topping, in butter cream or whipped cream in cakes, or in cookies or flapjacks.

This isn't the most dentist friendly treat so watch those crowns and fillings, and brush your teeth after you've gorge. I'm at the dentist this week so this probably wasn't the perfect thing to eat this weekend but I enjoyed it anyways, and sometimes a little bit of what you fancy does you good. What do you call cinder toffee? Let me know in the comments and I hope you have a safe and enjoyable Guy Fawkes night x 

Loving, Losing, Coping, Moving On and Still Loving x

On the 5th November 2002 I lost one of the most important people in my life, my dad. If you've read my blog for sometime you'll know that I sometimes mention him on his birthday or the anniversary of his death but I've never really gone into any depth before. I don't think I'm really doing that here but who knows where this is leading. Writing this is the 4th November turns into the 5th I really miss him - losing my dad seemed to be the trigger for my life turning upside down, first there was the sadness and the inability to cope, and then there was the start of the illness nightmare, I was never going to win any awards for the healthiest person in the world but I was OK, just living a normal life and getting by, now well I'm surviving! I'm not going to lie I'm in a much better place than I was 9 years ago but those 9 years have been a steep learning curve, it's almost as if my life was placed in a huge blender, spun around and then spat it with some of the pieces missing, a very big piece as it happens.

My dad at my first graduation ceremony - he missed the second one by just 4 weeks something that saddens me to this day :( - he always preferred to be on the other side of the lens with his posh camera beside him so I don't have that many photographs of him - but I like this one despite the fact that he was in a suit and out of his comfort zone, and I'm digging the paisley tie despite the fact this was in 1999 :)

What can I say about him to someone who will never meet him, well he was commonly known as Big Les, he was well over 6ft tall, but don't let that fool you he was as good hearted and gentle as anyone could be, I guess one of his biggest faults was an inability to say no, if someone needed some new flooring put down, or a cabinet making he was there like a shot. Don't get me wrong when he did get angry you didn't want to be around him, that was rare though like I used to he bottled things up, he was a bit of a stress head if I'm being honest, everything worried him, even things he couldn't control, that's something I've inherited I guess. I've also inherited his enthusiasm be it for new jeans, new shoes, or even technology, he loved his hi-fi gear, his CK jeans, his Rockport Boots (before they became chavvy :) and his music. My mum doesn't get excited about things the way my dad did and I miss that. I know he was proud of me especially when I got my degrees, I just hope he's still proud of me, my life my not have gone the way any of us planned but I'm still trying to be best person that I can.

Like most people who have lost someone I often wonder what I would say to him now, at times over the years the words would have been angry, you were only 58 why did you leave me??? was a favourite but I guess it would be something I say in my head to him all the time I Love You And I Always Will x
Maybe that sums this post up really I'm sorry it's been a bit of a ramble but I guess what I really want to say is that time isn't really healer, all it does is teach you how to cope with you loss, and after 9 years I really hope I''m getting there - I found this poem on a blog a while ago - I'm sorry I can't remember whose it was and it just says what I'm trying to I guess - I've taken the text from here x

He Is Gone

You can shed tears that he is gone
Or you can smile because he has lived

You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back

Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left

Your heart can be empty because you can't see him

Or you can be full of the love that you shared

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday

Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday

You can remember him and only that he is gone

Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back

Or you can do what he would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

David Harkins 1981

Silloth, Cumbria, UK

If you've stayed with this post until the end thank you so much for reading, and normal posting will resume soon - RIP Dad xxx

Freedom :)

I'm Free Bar An Evil Scar That Is :)

Hi Guys
Well today was my hospital appointment to see my orthopaedic surgeon - I have to say I had been dreading it especially when I became convinced that I could actually feel one of the screws in my ankle!!!! The weather today was ridiculously warm and predictably orthopedic out-patients was unbelievably hot and crowded. Surprisingly enough I wasn't sent for an x-ray I just went straight to see my surgeons registrar. The big news is I can go splint free and walk and weight bear in my feet :) He says I can wear the splint for days when I will be on my feet a lot but I need to wean myself off it . The bones have healed fine, I just need to keep up the little exercises I was given to build my tendons and muscles back up. I mentioned that I could feel the screws in my ankle and I was right indeed I can, it made me feel a bit queasy to be honest, but it's perfectly normal to be able to feel the metal work!!!! There isn't a lot of flesh on your ankles so the bones/metal are quite close to the surface, and if it moves a bit you can feel it- I swear I can feel a bolt! He said I should expect to feel some discomfort, aching, swelling and so on for at least another 18 months while it beds in and everything heals inside, so I need to take it easy and not wear any silly heels for a little bit. I've had a little walk around the house in my bare feet tonight and it doesn't feel too bad but it's just going to be about building my confidence up and taking it slowly. It's certainly been an interesting 4 and a bit months for me but I've been discharged from the hospital now so my journey appears to be nearing it's end whoopppeee!! I've learnt a few lessons but the biggest one is don't go out in the snow and ice!!! I just want to think you all for the whinging and moaning my little (or not so little) foot has caused - I've really appreciated all you nice message and your support x After the hospital we popped to Sainsburys where my mum bought me a few bits - pics tomorrow x I felt a bit down this morning but this really lifted my spirits - I have a Dentist appointment tomorrow and after that we're going to the cemetery to put some flowers on my dads grave x I still miss him more than anything - Happy Birthday Daddy and Rest In Peace xx

Goodies and Baddies

I really need to start thinking of some more imaginative titles for these posts but it's Monday and that means Goods and Bads time :)

Bads

•  A bit of a self inflicted bad to start with- I have the most awful tummy pains tonight - I had a little bit of my mum's yummy choc chip brioche - delicious but sooo not a good move all that wheat and gluten is doing nasty things to my tum :(
• It would have been my dad's birthday this Wednesday - I have my appointment with the Orthopaedic surgeon on Wednesday afternoon so I don't know if I'll make it to the cemetery - it could be a double whammy horrid day - You always miss people more on birthdays and anniversaries for some reason :(
• My nails were just getting back to normal after the cucumber chopping incident and what did I do caught my finger on my purse and ripped the tip of one of my nails clean off - it's even ripped down to the the skin yuck yuck! Thankfully I managed to do some NOTD photos before but it will be about a week before the next one - I am going to lavish it with cuticle oil for bit to help it heal and grow again :(

Goods

• My mum thankfully is feeling a bit better now so we went to Durham to pick up her new car -  It's just an ickle Peugeot 207 but it's in a gorgeous metallic red and it's lovely and shiny :) - look only 5.7 miles on the clock :) and an 11 number plate :) She is super chuffed with it she really wanted a smaller car :)
• We had a lovely day out once we'd collected the car we went to Tesco's, Aldi and a retail park just on the outskirts of Durham City - I have to admit I did buy a few things sorry ;) and I got a parcel through today whoops !
• Again my amazing blog followers - my follower count has gone up again this week so thank you and thank you to everyone that bought something from my blog sale everything has been posted now and  I really appreciate it (click the blog sale tab above to see what I have left from this weeks update and don't forget more to come this Sunday again x)
• Make Up - well more specifically project 10 pan and rediscovering old products :) Item no.8 on project 10 is so close to being finished it's untrue - It's a lipstick and I really am scraping the barrel so to speak :) Not only that but because of the whole P10P experience I am actually having a deeper delve into my make up stash and I am discovering a load of things I haven't shown enough love to - I am in the process of formulating a blog post and a video to show you my rediscoveries which I'm really enjoying doing
• Feeling Better - It's early days on my new meds but I am feeling brighter despite a tough week x
• Weight Loss - I lost another two pounds this week which really surprised me - this week and next will be harder - Easter and what does that mean Chocolate!!!

Well that's me summed up for now - It's going to be a busy week on LouLouLand this week I have quite a few posts planned. I have my NOTD post  from today thankfully before my snappage / rippage issues, and today's TK Maxx haulage to show you ;) I also have a product rave planned, the second of my Royal Wedding themed posts focusing on merchandise, maybe some more haulage if I make it to the Metro Centre this weeks, and at the weekend maybe a little giveaway post for you :) Thanks again for following and a big hello to all my new followers - don't be a stranger leave a comment or say Hi on twitter (link in the sidebar) x Hope you all have a good week xx

A Thank You and A Mini ELF Haul

Afternoon my loves - I'd like to start off by thanking everyone for the lovely messages and kind words I received yesterday both on Facebook and on Twitter. In case you aren't aware yesterday was the 8th Anniversary of my Dad's death - For some reason it was much harder than in a few previous years at various points yesterday I was in a bit of a mess, my head full of regrets and what if's, stupid I know but I was pretty down, never the less some quality time with my mum and my fur babies, your lovely messages and a lovely Thinking Of You card from my bestie really lifted my spirits - Thank You xx

Anways my mountains of online Christmas pressie parcels are starting to come through - shopping online really is a god send for me - I usually only manage a handful of proper Christmas shops so being able to buy things online is a huge help. I ordered a few goodies from ELF for various friends and rellies and I bought a couple of things for me

First up one of the shimmer eyeliner pencils in Twinkle Teal  - a gorgeous teal/green colour - I love this shade and have quite a few pencils in theis shade but this one irl has more green leanings


It seems really soft too, here is a little swatch x

I also ordered one of the new Christmas nail polishes in Glitter Glam

a super silver glitter, it needs quite a few coats to achieve solid glitter but it is pretty

3 coats swatched on white paper

Two little treats for me equalling only £3 :)
Any questions please ask xx

A Day Of Remembrance

Apologies in advance for the personal nature of this post but my blog has always been about expression of thought - normal posts will resume as soon as if you don't want to read this x
7 years ago today I lost one of the two most important people on my life - my dad. It's hard to believe it's been 7 years. So much has changed in my life since that awful night. I'm not the same person I know that for certain - experiences change you sometimes for the better, sometime for the worse - with me its hard to say. In some ways I grew up very quickly and matured from what was a 23 year old girl to what I am now a 31 year old woman with life experience, who had experienced pain and heartache but above all overwhelming love. 7 years seems such a long time and then sometimes it seems like the blink of an eye. I still remember sitting in the hospital in the night of November 4th / 5th listing to fireworks going off -maybe that's why they give me the creeps now - they say remember, remember 5th November - it's one date I am unlikely to ever forget now. My mum and I have planned a quiet day of reflection - we are going to go to the cemetery later to lay some flowers and then we are coming home to a nice curry I've made and a good bottle of wine. Time is no healer but it helps you to cope and above all accept - Rest In Peace Dad I'll love you always xx

Rememberance, Realisation and Reality - A Bit Of A Ramble ?

It's been a strange day so far in many ways. Today would have been my dads 65th birthday. My mum and I visited the cemetery this morning to put some flowers on the grave - I chose some lovely pink and white lillies -a beautiful flower with an unforgettable fragrance for an unforgettable person...Unlike some people I don't think I ever feel truly sad when I visit a cemetery - the one feeling that always comes out is love - all those beautiful flowers, teddy bears and windmills all symbolise how much people really are loved even when they are gone. I can't believe he's been gone nearly 7 years so much has changed in that time especially me - I'm a completely different person than I was then - I feel have grown up so much - I only hope that I've changed for the better...

Well I'm certainly a lot fatter than I was then - I have part on 3lbs since before Easter which is just a disaster I was doing so well and I am nearly back to square 1. Never mind I am starting again today by making some lovely Butternut Squash Soup - I am making a whole load so I can put some in the freezer for some healthy lunches and dinners which I can heat up when I haven't got much energy

Oh one plus today I didn't spend any money - I was really tempted by some bright, colour block vests from The Factory Bargain Shop at 2 for £10 but I resisted. I might have a wobble later on in the week though I am going for a pre birthday shopping trip hopefully on Thursday with my Godmother eek! I am definitely taking my New Look dress back so that might give me a tiny bit of money to play with ;) Oh another thing I am an avid hoarder of those magazine freebie sample sachets and I very rarely use them bar when I go on holiday, but today I tried a sachet of Maybelline Dream Satin Liquid Foundation - OMG I love this stuff ! My mum said I looked more healthy, and what had a done to my face ? Wow that is impressive for me, but what does that show if I look better in a drugstore brand of foundation as oppose to my usual MAC or Clarins foundation? Hmm maybe cheaper beauty is the way to go! I am going to try and pick some of this up on Thursday - Here's hoping for a special offer!!!