Heartbroken 💔

 
Exactly one week ago, my heart literally broke in two, when my beautiful Godmother passed peacefully away at home.

For some people Godparents are a title only, but mine really were a part of my family. Families are complicated but my Auntie Gladys was in its simplest terms my dads cousin. Although 14 years older than my dad they were brought up together, and she became my aunt and other than my mam the person that I was closest to.

How can I describe her to a stranger? She was a small woman, but she was probably one of the strongest people that I've ever met. She survived several bouts of cancer, undergoing numerous surgeries, as well as several broken bones, and other health issues over that last few years, as well as coping with the loss of her husband for over 60 years, 9 years ago.

She loved teddy bears, baking in her kitchen (her cheese scones, and Welsh cakes, or griddle scones as we call them up north, were chefs kiss!), knitting, crocheting, and embroidering tapestries, holidays (she went to Disney Florida for the first time in her 70's), and shopping!

My Godmother was the stereotypical shopaholic nothing made her happy then going round a shop - be it a shopping centre, a garden centre or a gift shop she was never happier than when she was in a shop. She loved her Boundary Mills visits, and our trips there together with her friend, will now be some of my most cherished memories.

She was a very feminine woman who very, very rarely wore trousers, I think she would have preferred it if I was more of a frilly dress fan, but she was always excited to see what I'd been buying, even if she wasn't a fan of all my ear piercings.

She would have been 95 next month and whilst her passing came as no great surprise, it doesn't make it any easier. Her biggest wish was to die at home and thankfully the NHS, along with Marie Curie, and some amazing family member allowed that happen.

Due to circumstances beyond out control we were unable to see her straight away when she came out of hospital but we managed to see her last Tuesday. There was no recognition or communication from her, she was sleeping and peaceful but I really do hope that she could hear us or at least feel our presence. There were other people there so I didn't get to spend anytime alone with her but I kissed my fingers and placed them gently on her cheek and whispered sweet dreams to her, and then we left.

A few hours later we got the call to say she'd gone, peacefully at home exactly as she'd wanted. I think we were the last of the northern based family members to see her, so I really think she'd waited for us to say goodbye.

I'll miss her more than I think even she'd realise, she had such a warm, giving generous personality, someone that I knew I could rely on for anything, she might not have always understood me but she was always there no matter what.

She's now reunited with her beloved husband, as well as my dad and my grandmas, and I hope wherever she is they have a few clothes shops for her to enjoy x 

Losing 3 family members, and 2 much loved pets in 3 years has been so tough on my mental and physical  health, my mam has also been unwell so everything really has been a bit of a struggle bus. Thank you to everyone who has commented on.my update on any of my other social media posts, I really do appreciate every single one of them - it's friends and family that have really kept me sane lately.

I have stuff to do and obviously stuff going on, but I really need a distraction so I'm hopefully going to be posting a few bits here and then mainly catch up's and updates but if you can be patient with me I would really appreciate it at the moment. I know 2025 has been rubbish blogging wise but I'm not giving up just yet xx Thanks again for your support x 

70 Years Of Hurt Gone In An Instant, And A Lifetime Of Memories Brought To The Surface

      

Picture Courtesy Of Newcastle United 

It's safe to say that if you're of the black and white persuasion, the last 48 hours have been pretty crazy. Although I don't post about football anywhere near as much as I did in the early days of this blog, my love for Newcastle United has never really waned. I was initially going to post this as a tweet or a thread but it soon became apparent that there were too many words and feels for short form media.

On Sunday night, Newcastle United broke their 70 year domestic trophy drought, when they beat Liverpool 2-1 to win the Carabao EFL Cup. Like so many of my fellow fans I watched the majority of the game on tv through my hands, unlike my mam whose faith never waivered, I wasn't confident in the slightest and even when Big Dan Burn headed us in front I still didn't dare to dream, when Isak scored a second finally there was hope but then came VAR and the Liverpool goal, and goodness knows how many minutes of added time which was almost torturous, I was really starting to think that it's the hope that kills you, but we held on and when the final whistle blew I'll admit that like so many other fan that I cried, tears of joy, relief, and to be honest what could have been.

I know what some of you are thinking, it's just a game it's not that deep but for so many Newcastle fans or anyone that truly supports a football club it really is. Eddie Howe mentioned his late mum in his press conference, Alan Shearer talked about his late dad in a podcast and I've seen so many tweets and posts about people talking about family members that never got to experience what we have over the last few days.

Growing up where I did you supported Newcastle or Sunderland, whilst my dad had memories of watching games at both clubs, by the time I came along you had to choose, and my dad went with the boys in black and white, and my fate was sealed. Being a girl in the 80's first real football memory was Italia 90, I vaguely remember the penalty misses and Gazza's tears, even if I didn't quite understand what was going on - 2 years later though everything changed, and that was thanks to Kevin Keegan.

I remember the hope and the excitement when the hero returned, he miraculously kept us up that season, and the 92/93 season was when my obsession really started, I listened to games avidly on the radio, and watched them on tv when I could, and the season culminated in promotion to the Premier League, and a 7-1 home win against Leicester City. Me and some of my friends attended the promotion parade, which ended in the pouring rain outside Newcastle Civic Centre, there were people climbing trees, and up lamp posts to see the players and KK himself on the balcony, and the bus ride home was a cacophony of noise including 'if you're proud to be a Geordie be a tree.'

God This Photo Is Old Little Louise In Her Umbro Blue Star Top And Check Out The Black And White Scrunchies! 

Then like now tickets were hard to come by, the ground looked nothing like it does now, so I didn't actually attend my first proper Premier League game until the 3rd May 1995 when I was lucky enough to witness a 3-3 draw against Spurs, which included a goal by the legendary Jurgen Klinsmann. I attended the odd game here and there, and experienced everything from Keegan leaving, to the Andy Cole signing and then leaving and then the arrival of Alan Shearer, can you imagine what twitter would have been like in those days? given some of the meltdowns Newcastle fans have seen lately it doesn't bare thinking about.

We went through a few more managers and a couple of more comings and goings and then Sir Bobby returned and that coincided with me meeting a fellow fan, who would become one of my bestest and dearest friends, and I started going to games more regularly especially cup games thanks to her brothers season ticket, and after a long hiatus my dad and even my mam ended up going to a few games, sitting in the Platinum club as was!

'Big Les" AKA My Dad💔

At home me and my dad used to watch football on the television driving my mam mad at time, but the funny thing is we never actually went to a game together but for those of you who aren't aware of my story that should have changed on the 4th November 2002. My friend wasn't well so my dad took her ticket for the Middlesbrough game, but unfortunately he collapsed on the way to the ground, we never made it to the match that night, and my dad never made it home, passing away in the early hours of November 5th in the Freeman Hospital.

I guess things could have gone either way after that night, I could have continued to have been haunted by the memories of that fateful night, and rejected the noise, and the black and white shirts or I could carry on and continue doing something that I know he would love and I that I had grown to love - it comes as no surprise that  I chose the latter - I think it took a month or so before I went back to a game , and I'm not going to lie my stomach was churning, someone in front was wearing my dads aftershave Hugo Boss Dark Blue which I guess could have been a sign and the memories came flooding back soon though I was concentrating on the game, shouting at the referee, and moaning like I know my dad would have done.

Soon after that I got my first season ticket and several more followed it, I went on to witness the end of Sir Bobbys reign, Souness, Bowyer v Dyer, the Intertoto Cup win, a memorable for many reasons away win at West Ham, and of course Shearer breaking Jackie Milburn's record. My mam to her credit really tried to be enthusiastic and she still tries even if I do have to re explain the rules every now and then, and tell her again who Schar is, but I miss sharing things with my dad and doing an after match de brief before and after his Sunday lunch time pub trips.

The fun couldn't last though, Mike Ashley the billionaire that would hopefully take us to the next level arrived, and his arrival seemed to coincide with my own body giving up on me - after several low lows, relegation was the final straw, I was attending less and less games, my health was failing and I couldn't justify keeping my season ticket.

Supporting Newcastle through that was hard, although there were glimpses here and there of what could be, supporting a team that was happy with just existing especially when being so unwell was hard, I'd used football as a crutch at times, not only was it a link to my dad but it was a link to normality, how things used to be and it was fading away, especially when covid came on the scene.

Then like that everything changed again, there was talk of a takeover, I started engaging again with NUFC social media accounts, even arguing with the odd journalist here and there, but then hopes were dashed again but the fanbase mobilised we wanted change, we wanted to believe again, and finally on 7th October 2021 we had new owners and the hope and the pride was back. That was another emotional day I can imagine how excited my dad would have been and how he would have loved all the pub talk about signings and managers, and the whole morals and ethics of been owned by the Saudis and some more southern billionaires, and that was a feeling that was amplified when we qualified for the Champions League in 2023 for the first time in the 20 or so years since my dad had passed - that game was so emotional I went on twitter and whilst it can be a cesspit pretty much most of the time now, some of the comments and messages I got that night after sharing my story really soothed my soul.

So here I am we've won a trophy, and whilst my dad was lucky enough to see us win a couple, it was a experience that we never shared, we were together for 2 FA Cup finals, and we were both stunned as we threw away that 12 point lead, but this time when it mattered, it was just me and my Mam watching through our hands. I'm sure wherever he is though he was raising a glass along with so many other members of the toon army that we've lost along the way, and next time I go to visit his grave I'll tell him again about Bruno's tears, Burn's header, pump it up, Yasir, and Jamie with their winners shirts over their suits, the brilliance of Edward John Frank Howe, and why we as Newcastle fans have so many reasons to be excited for the future.

It's not just a game or a football team it's about the shared memories and experiences that it brings. Our lives change, we lose people, we meet new people, and we may even lose and find ourselves again along the way but if you support a team, that club is one of the few constants that we have and that's why it means to so much to so many, and why its so important that even in this world of billionaires, match day tourists, PSR, media rights, and You Tubers, that the true fans aren't left behind x 

Tallulah 2009 - 2024

I've had this post on the back burner for a little while, and I hoped and prayed that it would be an eternity before I had to post it, but it wasn't to be, my beautiful girl passed away at home this morning.

When she came to live with us she was about the size of old fashioned powder puff, but despite her diminutive size, she was fierce, she spent most of the first 24 hours hiding, and hissing at us and our other cats at the time, Jasper and Jake, who was petrified of her.

The next day she was a different cat, still a touch wary and prone to hiding but she became a cuddlebug, a tiny ball of fluff that demanded attention and her own way, and whilst she increased slightly in size her personality never changed - she was noisy, stubborn, and probably the most jealous cat that I've ever met but she was mine and I loved her, her quirky ways and her silky black fur. beyond words. 

Tallulah

2009 - 2024

And Then There Were Two...

I said in one of my previous posts (you can read it here) that things tend to happen in threes, well that statement has certainly come back to haunt me. After a broken phone, and a broken tooth I asked the questions what else could go wrong so early in the year, well how about you throw a broken heart into the mix as well.

Jake, my chubby, stripy, spotty, soft, and lovable tabby - if you followed me on Twitter for a while, then you'll know that for the last few years my beautiful boy has had a few health problems which every now and then need a little bit of surgical intervention. If you're a pet owner then you'll know that, it can be pretty stressful when your fluff ball is unwell but with this one he always seemed to come out the other side as right as rain and clamouring for cuddles and food, so when he had to go to the vets yesterday for the usual procedure we weren't any more worried then normal. We left him at the surgery and we were told to ring up after 4 if we hadn't heard anything, as I say we weren't too worried so we just got on with our day, I did some editing and early in the afternoon, Mummy Lou went to the hairdressers, she'd barely been back in the house 5 minutes and the phone rang..

To put it bluntly when they'd sedated him for his surgery Jake's breathing hadn't been right, so they examined him and then gave him a scan and found that his lungs were full of fluid, and there was a large tumour in his chest. We then had to make the hardest decision that a pet owner has to make, but in the end there wasn't really a choice, draining his lungs would have given him a week at most, and ultimately he may have ended up being in pain, so we made the decision to let him slip away peacefully and without pain.

To say our hearts are broken is an understatement, and at the moment the 11 and a half years that we spent with him seems nowhere near long enough, he was a beautiful boy to look at his marking were symmetrical, and perfect, and his personality was damn near perfect too, he was a touch stubborn, be he loved strokes, snuggles, and snuffles but his real love wasn't us it was food, from luncheon meat, to sausages to chicken you name it and he would eat it, and he would steal it (that's why we have child locks on our fridge!)

The last few years with him were hard at times (and dare I say it a bit smelly) and I can't say I didn't always fear the worst every time he went to the vets but the fact that the tumour wasn't in any way related to the health problems that he'd been having, makes it a little bit more unexpected. but at the same time just as painful.

Animals are perceptive beings - from the minute the phone rang it was almost as if these two knew that something was wrong, in a strange way I think they realised that he'd gone but they're still wandering around the house looking lost, almost as if they're looking for him. I'm sure they will both be a great comfort to both each other though, and us in the weeks and months ahead.

So many people say that they're just animals but they're not- they really do become part of the family and yesterday I lost a little part of mine and a little bit of my heart too - Rest in peace Jake xxx

A Reflective Foodie Friday On A Sunday - Cinder Toffee

Looking back over the years I don't tend to post on November 5th that often, normally when I do it's a tribute to my dad or more personal posts about grief and loss, but this year I decided to do something a little bit different.

Losing someone you love is hard but when it's on a day that people celebrate or that means something to everyone, then it's even harder. On November 5th 2002, I lost my dad very suddenly, and ever since then I've hated Bonfire Night was a passion, every single bang and sparkle of light, brings back memories that quite frankly I don't want to remember.

Life doesn't change for other people though , so I guess you just need to get on with it, and try and embrace it with the best of them. So I'm writing this post, attempting to calm down some very scared kitty cats, looking at the pretty lights outside of the window and trying to remember the happy times.

So many of my good memories of my dad, my grans, and my childhood concern food, and the 5th November is no different, from baked potatoes and beans, to parkin,  and to treacle toffee and cinder toffee, food like fragrance, is intrinsically linked to our feelings and memories.

My mam used to be a big sweet maker, every year she'd make trays of peppermint creams, fudge, coconut ice, rum truffles and cinder toffee for us to eat in the run up to, and at Christmas. When you look at recipes associated with Guy Fawkes night, Cinder Toffee is always somewhere on the list. Cinder Toffee is one of the most names associated with it, at least up north, but you might know it as Hokey Pokey, Puff Candy, or Sponge Candy, or as Honeycomb. Yes it's that brittle, yet chewy toffee, that's full of air bubble, that you'll find in your Crunchie bar.

It's easy enough to buy it on it's own or covered with chocolate but like so many things it's often hard to beat something that's homemade. It isn't the hardest thing to make but you do need to be a bit careful in more ways than one. There are a few different recipes out there but this is our go to.

Cinder Toffee

3 Heaped Tablespoons Of Golden Syrup Or Treacle 

7oz (200g) Caster Sugar

1 1/2oz (40g) Butter

2 Tablespoons Cold Water

1/2 Teaspoon Vinegar

1 Heaped Teaspoon Of Bicarbonate Of Soda

1. Well grease a loaf tin or line with non stick parchment paper  - Okay as you can see this isn't a loaf tin it's a small roasting tin, which on reflection wasn't the best tin to make this in as it ended up a bit thinner then it should have done. You needn't be too precise with size but it's better to make it in a smaller and deeper tin, than a larger shallower one like this one.

2. To make this recipe you really need a good quality heavy bottomed pan, the pan is going to get hot so you want something that's pretty substantial. I'm using a pressure cooker pan here.

Add your sugar, syrup, butter and cold water and heat gently until the sugar is melted, stirring all the time

3. When your sugar has melted, turn up the heat until it reaches a continuous rolling boil. If you have a sugar thermometer your mixture needs to reach 290˚ F or 143˚ C. If you don't have one though don't worry, get yourself a cup of cold water and keep testing the mixture by dripping blobs into the water. The mixture will go through several stages but eventually the mixture will become hard and brittle and snap when you drop it into the water.

4. Once it's reached that stage take the pan off the heat, and add the vinegar and the vinegar and the bicarb, and give it a good stir. It will expand slightly at this stage, and foam and change colour slightly. (Make sure that your bicarbonate of soda isn't too near the expiry date - the longer you have it the more it loses it potency - a new tub will give the best results)

5. Then pour it CAREFULLY in to your tin - Don't be tempted to touch the mix with your hands or taste it - it will be stupidly hot.

6. Then leave your tray in a cool dry place for a few hours until it's set solid. No matter how well you've greased your tin it will still be nigh on impossible to get it out of the tin. I suggest either hitting your cinder toffee with a hammer or careful drop the tray onto the floor to break up your toffee. You won''t get any neat squares with this rough shards are what you should be aiming for.

You can either eat it straight away or you can store it for a few days in a cool, dry airtight tin. It should be the perfect combo of brittle and chewy. You can either eat as is, or you can cover it chocolate, use it with a chocolate fondue, or you can crush it up and use for an ice cream topping, in butter cream or whipped cream in cakes, or in cookies or flapjacks.

This isn't the most dentist friendly treat so watch those crowns and fillings, and brush your teeth after you've gorge. I'm at the dentist this week so this probably wasn't the perfect thing to eat this weekend but I enjoyed it anyways, and sometimes a little bit of what you fancy does you good. What do you call cinder toffee? Let me know in the comments and I hope you have a safe and enjoyable Guy Fawkes night x 

A Sad Life Update - Losing A Pet - 4 Becomes 3

I try not to do too many personal posts now but I wanted to share my news and my experience with you.

I know we have just under a month to go but it's safe to say that I can't wait to see the back of 2016. If you follow me on any of my other social media channels (links in the sidebar) you'll know that last week was pretty horrible.

It started off okay but from Tuesday onwards everything went much downhill. My beautiful Persian cat, Jasper stopped eating, I tried to tempt him with a Dreamies treat which he ate with such ferocity, that he ended up biting into my right index finger. I've had cat bites and scratches before but this one was a bit different, the pain was horrendous and my finger went bright red and swelled up.

A trip to urgent care (round of applause to the NHS by way - great service!) was on the cards, and after a thorough clean, dressing, and a tetanus jab I returned home to a poorly cat with two lots of antibiotics to combat any infection I may have gotten. I think I'm going to end up with a scar but at the time I was more concerned about my ginger boy.

He had several health problems and over the next few days he steadily deteriorated but he wasn't in any pain and we hoped open hope, that he would pass away peacefully in his sleep, but being the stubborn cat that he was, he held on till Saturday morning, when me and my mum made the decision to say our goodbyes and take him to our local vets for the final time.

What can I say about Jasper, the fluffiest, most stubborn, most loving, most laid back and most complicated cat that I've ever met. He came into my life nearly 13 and a half years ago, when I was dealing with the loss of my dad and the two Siamese cats that I had since I was little, my life was in turmoil, and the little furry faced man made things better in an instant. Even with three cats now the house is just that little bit quieter - Charlie keeps running up stairs and looking in all of the rooms, and Tallulah and Jake are jumping up, running and waking up at even the slightest sound.

I know a few people who've said to me that they can't or won't have pets because they can't deal with losing them but I think that's the wrong way to look at it. Pets teach you so much about life, yes they teach you how to deal with loss, and they teach you responsibility but they also teach you about love. An animals love is unconditional, they ask for so little in return for years and years of love and companionship. I know it sounds strange to some people but animals really do become a part of your family, they see you at your best and at your worst, and there always there when you need a furry, feathery or scaly shoulder to cry on, or someone to vent too.

We're hurting at the moment but the pain will ease and we have 13 and a half years of happy memories to cherish. Thank you so much for reading and for your lovely sympathy messages and comments, I really do appreciate them x I'm going to end this post with a picture I shared on all of my other social media accounts this week, it's so typical of the cat that he was, Jasper doing something that he shouldn't have been but with that look on his face that made you forgive him in an instant x