70 Years Of Hurt Gone In An Instant, And A Lifetime Of Memories Brought To The Surface

      

Picture Courtesy Of Newcastle United 

It's safe to say that if you're of the black and white persuasion, the last 48 hours have been pretty crazy. Although I don't post about football anywhere near as much as I did in the early days of this blog, my love for Newcastle United has never really waned. I was initially going to post this as a tweet or a thread but it soon became apparent that there were too many words and feels for short form media.

On Sunday night, Newcastle United broke their 70 year domestic trophy drought, when they beat Liverpool 2-1 to win the Carabao EFL Cup. Like so many of my fellow fans I watched the majority of the game on tv through my hands, unlike my mam whose faith never waivered, I wasn't confident in the slightest and even when Big Dan Burn headed us in front I still didn't dare to dream, when Isak scored a second finally there was hope but then came VAR and the Liverpool goal, and goodness knows how many minutes of added time which was almost torturous, I was really starting to think that it's the hope that kills you, but we held on and when the final whistle blew I'll admit that like so many other fan that I cried, tears of joy, relief, and to be honest what could have been.

I know what some of you are thinking, it's just a game it's not that deep but for so many Newcastle fans or anyone that truly supports a football club it really is. Eddie Howe mentioned his late mum in his press conference, Alan Shearer talked about his late dad in a podcast and I've seen so many tweets and posts about people talking about family members that never got to experience what we have over the last few days.

Growing up where I did you supported Newcastle or Sunderland, whilst my dad had memories of watching games at both clubs, by the time I came along you had to choose, and my dad went with the boys in black and white, and my fate was sealed. Being a girl in the 80's first real football memory was Italia 90, I vaguely remember the penalty misses and Gazza's tears, even if I didn't quite understand what was going on - 2 years later though everything changed, and that was thanks to Kevin Keegan.

I remember the hope and the excitement when the hero returned, he miraculously kept us up that season, and the 92/93 season was when my obsession really started, I listened to games avidly on the radio, and watched them on tv when I could, and the season culminated in promotion to the Premier League, and a 7-1 home win against Leicester City. Me and some of my friends attended the promotion parade, which ended in the pouring rain outside Newcastle Civic Centre, there were people climbing trees, and up lamp posts to see the players and KK himself on the balcony, and the bus ride home was a cacophony of noise including 'if you're proud to be a Geordie be a tree.'

God This Photo Is Old Little Louise In Her Umbro Blue Star Top And Check Out The Black And White Scrunchies! 

Then like now tickets were hard to come by, the ground looked nothing like it does now, so I didn't actually attend my first proper Premier League game until the 3rd May 1995 when I was lucky enough to witness a 3-3 draw against Spurs, which included a goal by the legendary Jurgen Klinsmann. I attended the odd game here and there, and experienced everything from Keegan leaving, to the Andy Cole signing and then leaving and then the arrival of Alan Shearer, can you imagine what twitter would have been like in those days? given some of the meltdowns Newcastle fans have seen lately it doesn't bare thinking about.

We went through a few more managers and a couple of more comings and goings and then Sir Bobby returned and that coincided with me meeting a fellow fan, who would become one of my bestest and dearest friends, and I started going to games more regularly especially cup games thanks to her brothers season ticket, and after a long hiatus my dad and even my mam ended up going to a few games, sitting in the Platinum club as was!

'Big Les" AKA My Dad💔

At home me and my dad used to watch football on the television driving my mam mad at time, but the funny thing is we never actually went to a game together but for those of you who aren't aware of my story that should have changed on the 4th November 2002. My friend wasn't well so my dad took her ticket for the Middlesbrough game, but unfortunately he collapsed on the way to the ground, we never made it to the match that night, and my dad never made it home, passing away in the early hours of November 5th in the Freeman Hospital.

I guess things could have gone either way after that night, I could have continued to have been haunted by the memories of that fateful night, and rejected the noise, and the black and white shirts or I could carry on and continue doing something that I know he would love and I that I had grown to love - it comes as no surprise that  I chose the latter - I think it took a month or so before I went back to a game , and I'm not going to lie my stomach was churning, someone in front was wearing my dads aftershave Hugo Boss Dark Blue which I guess could have been a sign and the memories came flooding back soon though I was concentrating on the game, shouting at the referee, and moaning like I know my dad would have done.

Soon after that I got my first season ticket and several more followed it, I went on to witness the end of Sir Bobbys reign, Souness, Bowyer v Dyer, the Intertoto Cup win, a memorable for many reasons away win at West Ham, and of course Shearer breaking Jackie Milburn's record. My mam to her credit really tried to be enthusiastic and she still tries even if I do have to re explain the rules every now and then, and tell her again who Schar is, but I miss sharing things with my dad and doing an after match de brief before and after his Sunday lunch time pub trips.

The fun couldn't last though, Mike Ashley the billionaire that would hopefully take us to the next level arrived, and his arrival seemed to coincide with my own body giving up on me - after several low lows, relegation was the final straw, I was attending less and less games, my health was failing and I couldn't justify keeping my season ticket.

Supporting Newcastle through that was hard, although there were glimpses here and there of what could be, supporting a team that was happy with just existing especially when being so unwell was hard, I'd used football as a crutch at times, not only was it a link to my dad but it was a link to normality, how things used to be and it was fading away, especially when covid came on the scene.

Then like that everything changed again, there was talk of a takeover, I started engaging again with NUFC social media accounts, even arguing with the odd journalist here and there, but then hopes were dashed again but the fanbase mobilised we wanted change, we wanted to believe again, and finally on 7th October 2021 we had new owners and the hope and the pride was back. That was another emotional day I can imagine how excited my dad would have been and how he would have loved all the pub talk about signings and managers, and the whole morals and ethics of been owned by the Saudis and some more southern billionaires, and that was a feeling that was amplified when we qualified for the Champions League in 2023 for the first time in the 20 or so years since my dad had passed - that game was so emotional I went on twitter and whilst it can be a cesspit pretty much most of the time now, some of the comments and messages I got that night after sharing my story really soothed my soul.

So here I am we've won a trophy, and whilst my dad was lucky enough to see us win a couple, it was a experience that we never shared, we were together for 2 FA Cup finals, and we were both stunned as we threw away that 12 point lead, but this time when it mattered, it was just me and my Mam watching through our hands. I'm sure wherever he is though he was raising a glass along with so many other members of the toon army that we've lost along the way, and next time I go to visit his grave I'll tell him again about Bruno's tears, Burn's header, pump it up, Yasir, and Jamie with their winners shirts over their suits, the brilliance of Edward John Frank Howe, and why we as Newcastle fans have so many reasons to be excited for the future.

It's not just a game or a football team it's about the shared memories and experiences that it brings. Our lives change, we lose people, we meet new people, and we may even lose and find ourselves again along the way but if you support a team, that club is one of the few constants that we have and that's why it means to so much to so many, and why its so important that even in this world of billionaires, match day tourists, PSR, media rights, and You Tubers, that the true fans aren't left behind x 

Charlie 2011 - 2024

I can hardly believe that I'm writing this post, but just over a week ago now, our beloved Charlie bear passed away peacefully at home, curled up in his favourite cat bed.

He hadn't been himself for a little while but he was still eating and drinking, using his litter tray, and running away from Max, so we just thought it was down to his age, but as the days and hours went on we realised that he was nearing the end, we had an appointment made at the vets, but he didn't make it and crossed rainbow bridge, at home, safe with me, my mam and Max close by.

Since we only lost Tallulah in February and with the sad loss of my Aunt earlier this year, this one has hit extra hard. He was stubborn, aloof at times, and a complete cuddlebug when he felt like it, I'll miss his one of a kind personality, his loud rattly purr and his fabulous floofy tail. 

Out of all of the cats that we've had he was probably my biggest confidant, the amount of stuff I told this cat, I should be lucky that he couldn't talk or that we can't translate cat! When I was having having one of my regular spells of insomnia, he would lie on the bed, asleep and snoring usually but always there to provide some comfort and companionship.

So Max is now on his own - For the first few days he wandered around the house looking for him, running every time he heard a noise, now he seems more accepting, we let him see him when he'd gone which I think helped, but now he's in his clingy phase, always wanting to with us, and sleeping at night curled up next to me or my mam. He's never been an only cat in his life so we will more than likely end up getting him a friend, when everything feels less raw and painful.

Whilst I have been posting here and there on social media perhaps understandably I haven't really felt in the mood to blog and post about happier things but I'm going to try and regain some sort of normality starting next week and resume some sort of normal posting schedule, so thanks again for bearing with me and for all of your kind words elsewhere on social media x 

Tallulah 2009 - 2024

I've had this post on the back burner for a little while, and I hoped and prayed that it would be an eternity before I had to post it, but it wasn't to be, my beautiful girl passed away at home this morning.

When she came to live with us she was about the size of old fashioned powder puff, but despite her diminutive size, she was fierce, she spent most of the first 24 hours hiding, and hissing at us and our other cats at the time, Jasper and Jake, who was petrified of her.

The next day she was a different cat, still a touch wary and prone to hiding but she became a cuddlebug, a tiny ball of fluff that demanded attention and her own way, and whilst she increased slightly in size her personality never changed - she was noisy, stubborn, and probably the most jealous cat that I've ever met but she was mine and I loved her, her quirky ways and her silky black fur. beyond words. 

Tallulah

2009 - 2024

And Then There Were Two...

I said in one of my previous posts (you can read it here) that things tend to happen in threes, well that statement has certainly come back to haunt me. After a broken phone, and a broken tooth I asked the questions what else could go wrong so early in the year, well how about you throw a broken heart into the mix as well.

Jake, my chubby, stripy, spotty, soft, and lovable tabby - if you followed me on Twitter for a while, then you'll know that for the last few years my beautiful boy has had a few health problems which every now and then need a little bit of surgical intervention. If you're a pet owner then you'll know that, it can be pretty stressful when your fluff ball is unwell but with this one he always seemed to come out the other side as right as rain and clamouring for cuddles and food, so when he had to go to the vets yesterday for the usual procedure we weren't any more worried then normal. We left him at the surgery and we were told to ring up after 4 if we hadn't heard anything, as I say we weren't too worried so we just got on with our day, I did some editing and early in the afternoon, Mummy Lou went to the hairdressers, she'd barely been back in the house 5 minutes and the phone rang..

To put it bluntly when they'd sedated him for his surgery Jake's breathing hadn't been right, so they examined him and then gave him a scan and found that his lungs were full of fluid, and there was a large tumour in his chest. We then had to make the hardest decision that a pet owner has to make, but in the end there wasn't really a choice, draining his lungs would have given him a week at most, and ultimately he may have ended up being in pain, so we made the decision to let him slip away peacefully and without pain.

To say our hearts are broken is an understatement, and at the moment the 11 and a half years that we spent with him seems nowhere near long enough, he was a beautiful boy to look at his marking were symmetrical, and perfect, and his personality was damn near perfect too, he was a touch stubborn, be he loved strokes, snuggles, and snuffles but his real love wasn't us it was food, from luncheon meat, to sausages to chicken you name it and he would eat it, and he would steal it (that's why we have child locks on our fridge!)

The last few years with him were hard at times (and dare I say it a bit smelly) and I can't say I didn't always fear the worst every time he went to the vets but the fact that the tumour wasn't in any way related to the health problems that he'd been having, makes it a little bit more unexpected. but at the same time just as painful.

Animals are perceptive beings - from the minute the phone rang it was almost as if these two knew that something was wrong, in a strange way I think they realised that he'd gone but they're still wandering around the house looking lost, almost as if they're looking for him. I'm sure they will both be a great comfort to both each other though, and us in the weeks and months ahead.

So many people say that they're just animals but they're not- they really do become part of the family and yesterday I lost a little part of mine and a little bit of my heart too - Rest in peace Jake xxx

Sad News In LouLouLand

Me And My Godfather Around 1978 

Hi Guys x If you follow me on twitter then you already know that over the weekend I lost someone that was very dear to me, my Godfather x

Judging by the difficulty in finding Godparents, Godfather, or Godmother cards in the majority of card shops. Godparents perhaps don't seem to have the role in children's lives that they used to, but they certainly had, and have a role in mine.

Families are complicated in so many cases and my family is no different but my parents chose my Godparents from within the family, and I'm forever grateful that they chose my dads cousin and her husband.

They've supported, and been there for me in so many ways over the years, from attending school concerts and carol services (I was in the school choir believe it or not!), to spending Christmas with us every year, and ultimately being there with us on the night that my dad passed away. My Godparents were probably the family members apart from my mum that I'm the closest too and losing one part of that support team hurts.

Over the past few years things haven't been easy for them they were both well into their 80's and if you've follow me on any social network for a while then you'll know that they've had their fair share of health problems ranging from the big C, to my Godfathers stroke around this time last year.

You always think that the people that you love are going to be there for ever, but one of the certainties of life is that they won't be, and last week my Godfather was rushed to hospital, and instead of being released after a day or so, and declaring he was fine, in the early hours of Sunday morning with my Godmother at his bedside he peacefully slipped away

Thankfully my Godmother has has solid extended family group to support her but I can't imagine what it must feel like to lose your soul mate and your husband of over 60 years. Although like most family members we butted heads on occasions with rapidly differing views on certain topics and modern life, I will miss him terribly he was a firm stabilising influence in my life and a real gentleman to boot.

I won't be taking a specific blogging and You Tube break but my family is much more important to me at this moment in time, so posting and uploading may be sporadic for a couple of weeks. In reality you probably won't notice much of a difference but I thought I better keep you updated just in case I disappear for a while x Thanks for your kind words on social media,and thanks in advance for you support and understanding x

Loving, Losing, Coping, Moving On and Still Loving x

On the 5th November 2002 I lost one of the most important people in my life, my dad. If you've read my blog for sometime you'll know that I sometimes mention him on his birthday or the anniversary of his death but I've never really gone into any depth before. I don't think I'm really doing that here but who knows where this is leading. Writing this is the 4th November turns into the 5th I really miss him - losing my dad seemed to be the trigger for my life turning upside down, first there was the sadness and the inability to cope, and then there was the start of the illness nightmare, I was never going to win any awards for the healthiest person in the world but I was OK, just living a normal life and getting by, now well I'm surviving! I'm not going to lie I'm in a much better place than I was 9 years ago but those 9 years have been a steep learning curve, it's almost as if my life was placed in a huge blender, spun around and then spat it with some of the pieces missing, a very big piece as it happens.

My dad at my first graduation ceremony - he missed the second one by just 4 weeks something that saddens me to this day :( - he always preferred to be on the other side of the lens with his posh camera beside him so I don't have that many photographs of him - but I like this one despite the fact that he was in a suit and out of his comfort zone, and I'm digging the paisley tie despite the fact this was in 1999 :)

What can I say about him to someone who will never meet him, well he was commonly known as Big Les, he was well over 6ft tall, but don't let that fool you he was as good hearted and gentle as anyone could be, I guess one of his biggest faults was an inability to say no, if someone needed some new flooring put down, or a cabinet making he was there like a shot. Don't get me wrong when he did get angry you didn't want to be around him, that was rare though like I used to he bottled things up, he was a bit of a stress head if I'm being honest, everything worried him, even things he couldn't control, that's something I've inherited I guess. I've also inherited his enthusiasm be it for new jeans, new shoes, or even technology, he loved his hi-fi gear, his CK jeans, his Rockport Boots (before they became chavvy :) and his music. My mum doesn't get excited about things the way my dad did and I miss that. I know he was proud of me especially when I got my degrees, I just hope he's still proud of me, my life my not have gone the way any of us planned but I'm still trying to be best person that I can.

Like most people who have lost someone I often wonder what I would say to him now, at times over the years the words would have been angry, you were only 58 why did you leave me??? was a favourite but I guess it would be something I say in my head to him all the time I Love You And I Always Will x
Maybe that sums this post up really I'm sorry it's been a bit of a ramble but I guess what I really want to say is that time isn't really healer, all it does is teach you how to cope with you loss, and after 9 years I really hope I''m getting there - I found this poem on a blog a while ago - I'm sorry I can't remember whose it was and it just says what I'm trying to I guess - I've taken the text from here x

He Is Gone

You can shed tears that he is gone
Or you can smile because he has lived

You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back

Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left

Your heart can be empty because you can't see him

Or you can be full of the love that you shared

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday

Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday

You can remember him and only that he is gone

Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back

Or you can do what he would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

David Harkins 1981

Silloth, Cumbria, UK

If you've stayed with this post until the end thank you so much for reading, and normal posting will resume soon - RIP Dad xxx

A Day Of Remembrance

Apologies in advance for the personal nature of this post but my blog has always been about expression of thought - normal posts will resume as soon as if you don't want to read this x
7 years ago today I lost one of the two most important people on my life - my dad. It's hard to believe it's been 7 years. So much has changed in my life since that awful night. I'm not the same person I know that for certain - experiences change you sometimes for the better, sometime for the worse - with me its hard to say. In some ways I grew up very quickly and matured from what was a 23 year old girl to what I am now a 31 year old woman with life experience, who had experienced pain and heartache but above all overwhelming love. 7 years seems such a long time and then sometimes it seems like the blink of an eye. I still remember sitting in the hospital in the night of November 4th / 5th listing to fireworks going off -maybe that's why they give me the creeps now - they say remember, remember 5th November - it's one date I am unlikely to ever forget now. My mum and I have planned a quiet day of reflection - we are going to go to the cemetery later to lay some flowers and then we are coming home to a nice curry I've made and a good bottle of wine. Time is no healer but it helps you to cope and above all accept - Rest In Peace Dad I'll love you always xx

Rememberance, Realisation and Reality - A Bit Of A Ramble ?

It's been a strange day so far in many ways. Today would have been my dads 65th birthday. My mum and I visited the cemetery this morning to put some flowers on the grave - I chose some lovely pink and white lillies -a beautiful flower with an unforgettable fragrance for an unforgettable person...Unlike some people I don't think I ever feel truly sad when I visit a cemetery - the one feeling that always comes out is love - all those beautiful flowers, teddy bears and windmills all symbolise how much people really are loved even when they are gone. I can't believe he's been gone nearly 7 years so much has changed in that time especially me - I'm a completely different person than I was then - I feel have grown up so much - I only hope that I've changed for the better...

Well I'm certainly a lot fatter than I was then - I have part on 3lbs since before Easter which is just a disaster I was doing so well and I am nearly back to square 1. Never mind I am starting again today by making some lovely Butternut Squash Soup - I am making a whole load so I can put some in the freezer for some healthy lunches and dinners which I can heat up when I haven't got much energy

Oh one plus today I didn't spend any money - I was really tempted by some bright, colour block vests from The Factory Bargain Shop at 2 for £10 but I resisted. I might have a wobble later on in the week though I am going for a pre birthday shopping trip hopefully on Thursday with my Godmother eek! I am definitely taking my New Look dress back so that might give me a tiny bit of money to play with ;) Oh another thing I am an avid hoarder of those magazine freebie sample sachets and I very rarely use them bar when I go on holiday, but today I tried a sachet of Maybelline Dream Satin Liquid Foundation - OMG I love this stuff ! My mum said I looked more healthy, and what had a done to my face ? Wow that is impressive for me, but what does that show if I look better in a drugstore brand of foundation as oppose to my usual MAC or Clarins foundation? Hmm maybe cheaper beauty is the way to go! I am going to try and pick some of this up on Thursday - Here's hoping for a special offer!!!